Hey Ladies - It isn't just you! Women on all the dating apps are increasingly matching with narcissistic men. There are many reasons, but I want you to know that you are not alone AND you are not the problem.
Here are some reasons why you are attracted to narcissists online, what are some red flags to look for, and how you can trust your instincts and know when to move on.
First things first, you are matching with narcissistic men on dating apps because it's really hard to recognize the signs of narcissism from an online profile. And when you start messaging or when you go on a date, narcissists have years of experience manipulating and gaslighting the people around them, making it difficult for you to recognize the red flags.
Don't feel like you are doing anything wrong! You likely won't be able to spot a narcissist until you've had experiences dealing with narcissists as family, friends, bosses or as a match on your dating app.
Narcissistic men can be quite successful, both at work and on dating apps. So yeah, of course they are attractive. Having met my significant other online, and having dated some really great men I met online, I can definitely say that dating apps have lots of really great matches for you.
Don't think that all men on dating apps are narcissistic! Statistically, narcissism is more prevalent among men than women, so there are just more male narcissists than female ones. But numbers are not the whole story.
Online dating apps reward narcissistic behaviours. They reward the short-term appearance of success.
Narcissists tend to be very charming and charismatic, at first. They effectively use flattery and compliments to win you over, making you feel special and desired. Dating algorithms note the positive interactions which generate more matches and more women choosing to like back.
Charm, flattery, and compliments are appealing. It's easy to feel special with a narcissist. Flattery can be especially appealing when you are feeling burnt out on your dating app so always make sure you take care of your mental health first and talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling.
Narcissists often appear self-confident. Most people find genuine self-confidence very attractive. However, there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance/entitlement. Especially when you are messaging, it can be really hard to tell the difference until you spend some time with the person.
With time can you can see if your date thinks they are entitled or if they have self-confidence that is grounded and real. One way to understand the difference is to carefully listen to their stories about work and friends. How they feel about others helps you understand whether they feel entitled or whether they have empathy and are open to learning from their mistakes.
Narcissists are often love-bombers. They are really good at flattery and showering you with attention after the first date. But a genuine love-match can also shower you with attention. How does the attention make you feel? Does your gut think it's wonderful? If your date doesn't seem to understand your feelings and is constantly seeking your attention to your detriment, you might want to be cautious.
The last red flag I'll mention today is someone who seems overly focused on themselves. This is definitely hard to read accurately on the first date because a first date should involve talking about yourself... a lot. Don't feel bad if it takes you a while to understand if this is healthy dialogue or narcissistic behaviour.
There are no easy answers on how you can avoid matching with narcissists on dating apps. Narcissists sound like great guys. They look like the kinda guy you want to meet, until you get to know them. So don't feel bad about going out on a date with a narcissist, or even dating one.
You likely can't identify a narcissist from their dating profile. Most narcissists need the approval they get when they meet someone new, so they get really good at being charming and meeting new people. Only by paying close attention to some red flags will you be able to know the difference between your Prince Charming and your Prince Narcissist
Honestly, spotting a narcissist is really hard. Especially if they throw some gaslighting at you. But you can and should trust your gut on this. You will often feel something off before you know what it is. So chat with your friends and get their reactions, then judge for yourself.
Don't look back when you choose not to see a narcissist again. They will pull out all their charm to get you to like them again, but it's for their ego not for your best interests. So try to recognize their behaviour and walk away. You'll never regret it because narcissists can't truly love anyone but themselves.
Charm and charisma can signal that you've met a wonderful man, but they can also be a cover for a narcissistic ass. Time always tells.